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Blue like a lie
Honest red line
can’t
cuz i’m stuck in this vegetarian body
that wants to live not unlike other
death bodies
watch the black hockey player
stealing baguettes where the TV joke is
still focus enoughed to pick my brain
the pus recedes at this very moment!
but let’s not be vular, bulgar tonite
are going outstide
reading in a suit without a tie
from a paper that waves
occasionally coughs his covid skyline
you get the point. stream-of-heroes
of that, and every dumb idea thereafter
here after, beyond scared
enough change to tell a lie
i see laughter i see pizza reflections
i see a lot and it hurts my ears

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Posted

Each life makes its own immitation of immortality. -Stephen King

So hard to write, my thoughts are so confused.
Madness. Hatred. Lust I guess. My thoughts
they sprawl like concrete in America. Heavy
and fast. I was going to say what would I
do if it wasn’t for money? Art-wise that is.
How this culture of doom. Won’t let me be.
The town, the neighborhood. Not my home.
Never could be. The people here. Build
your houses. Say “Hey you doin’?” Talk like
that. And loud b/c they can’t hear themselves
anymore (It’s a loud place). Never enough
respect for this crew. I have been repeating
these ideas for over a decade. Any person
with any intelligence would have left a habitat
like this already, unless you are an animal
trapped in a zoo. It seems I exaggerate, but
that depends on the time of day. The hour or
minute. It is a nightmare. Girls. They are
vicious creatures. Maybe this place more so.
Maybe they have too much testosterone in
their macaroni. The children of these places
should be culled. The teenage boom is. Proud
little dipshits. Parents made the batter. I repeat
too often. Better to keep this post on top. It’s a
vicious cycle. Intolerance tested? I can continue
into some of my conspiracy, more like an evolution
of the Greater NYC Area. This always makes me
sad, divide and conquer. That leaves what? Just
black, maybe Prussian blue. Eggplant red. Channel
surf like I am immortal.

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Posted

“The pleasure of remembering had been taken from me,
because there was no longer anyone to remember with.
It felt like losing your co-rememberer meant losing the memory itself,
as if the things we’d done were less real and important
than they had been hours before.”― John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

It is not a relationship of love but truth.

Does mind follow matter unlike the saying goes? I think so. Look at drugs.
They can change your mind. Psychiatric drugs are mind-altering. One must
obey the rules of chemistry to a degree. My old man, he takes stuff and acts
out. Have the meds screwed up an already screwed up dude? For sure. Take
Remeron for example. Wait, I’m wrong perhaps. He puts himself into stressful
situations and the body reacts accordingly. Usually in a stressful situation you
need to quickly determine the course of action. He constantly puts himself into
this stressed position though. I’m trying to figure out something and can’t.
The body should respond to stress adequately. The rise and fall of chemicals
is natural. If a person is stressed too often, then the mechanism may
get wacky. This drug Remeron seems weird.
Like if a person gets a stress-load the normal thing would be a rise, then
a fall. But this drug might allow a rise, but prevent the fall?
This is my father:
He won’t give peace a chance. He believes peace is for only after-death.
He’s a drama-freak and stupid enough to deny this honestly.
Now the stress hormone is on the rise, but it cannot fall back
down to it’s natural low level. So the body is locked into a high-stress state,
and the mind must follow. So sad for me. My thoughts hardly making sense. The
modern world does not allow for drugs that relax. These backfire often. Like
alcohol. You must allow the drug to work. If I tell you this is a anti-depression
drug, you must be willing to want that. If you don’t then the drug will fail. This
then goes against my hypothesis that mind follows matter, but maybe it’s a
little of both. Many people like to be depressed or alike, rather than being
elated and full of zest. Some people want to be bitter. Some want to be
salty or sour. My father he wants to be tragic. He likes all the tastes I suppose.
He needs a drug that will allow him to be tragic, not happy. He has given that up.

————————————————————————————————————————————————
So then it would seem that more depression. The first few weeks on an
anti-mess med like a SSRI would be worse or equal than at the start?
I don’t understand the natural flow. Follow me along. Give same to same,
then wait for a change. And it would help out those with anxiety? No mas.

To refresh. My feeble attempt states more serotonin is good for depression,
but bad for anxiety. I think this theory is weak for sure, but it’s a start.

Increase serotonin in the synapse, or perhaps down-regulate
excitatory receptors like 5-HT2x which are believed to be associated
with anxiety.
—————————————————————————————————————————————

I have noticed this thing when I sit at the laptop located in the
dining room. I feel compelled to get up all the time. It usually
happens when I just about to solve a problem, the anticipation
of solving a problem. I immediately get up and walk into the kitchen
or elsewhere. I don’t know why, but it’s consistently happening.
Is this related to dopamine. Too much or too little? They say
dopamine is released in anticipation of reward.

I just lost two sections of writing :(

One was about ADHD and how in theory more dopamine
prevents a “surge” of the same stuff. This spike causes
hyperactivity or short attention.

Two was about SSRI and how they operate. My theory goes.
If the reuptake is blocked via SSRI the auto-receptor will
cease releasing more serotonin into the synapse. The existing
overflow of serotonin will eventually dissipate. The question is
how long does it remain in the synapse? That makes me wonder,
does the auto-receptor detect only the amount or both amount and
length of time in the synapse. Probably the former. So once it detects
and adjusts it’s work is done. So what happens in the synaptic serotonin
diminishes quickly? The neuron is no longer releasing the same stuff.
A period of lack occurs. Unless the auto-receptor also detects the lack
of serotonin, thus it would restart production and release. I don’t
think that’s how it works, just detects excess. So I assume in some
time interval it will resume production of serotonin. If the reuptake is
still blocked, which it probably is, the cycle repeats. I don’t see how
this process down-regulates the monitoring auto-receptor. Unless the
suspension of activity is short and synaptic serotonin is long-lasting.
Or the negative-feedback is more constant during the overload period -
which might be prolonged or not. If the feedback is frequent and regular
and the overload period is long, then I could believe the auto-receptor
would become desensitized over time. Otherwise I can’t believe this
works out too well.

I guess that NRI’s like Atomoxetine work the same theory, but for
norepinephrine.

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Posted


I always think that art is a form of sacrifice.
-Alejandro Jodorowsky

Yes, I wanted too much. This is long-lasting. It’s
origin long ago.
Now, I’m disenchanted with my failure.
One has to make some kind of sacrifice to achieve anything.
If I want to paint, I can’t be watching all the movies, playing a
guitar, cooking dishes, figuring out neuroscience mysteries,
reading the best books, and baking the best cakes. As my days
lessen, I feel the pressure mounting. On top of that my father
is a nut, prevents me from really getting into any kind of rhythm
during the day, ruins my sleep. More pressure, more stress.
It seems I need a new game plan. Time may be long, but
moves quickly. And of course, my health is flailing. 60 minutes
was airing a segment about Raphael Nadal. That guy is amazing.
So many injuries and so many triumphs. He’s fun to watch too.

I’ve been taking bacopa monneri recently. A slew of effects. It can
really control me. Woozy knockout punch, and I don’t know why. If
a drug is meant to make someone relax, but the taker doesn’t want
that, I think you have a problem.
It’s listed as a 5-HT1A partial agonist I have read it cures insanity.
This apparently, can reduce serotonin, but some science says it
increases serotonin. I know they don’t really understand. So
much conflicting science.

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Posted

“There is an ocean of silence between us… and I am drowning in it.”
― Ranata Suzuki

Once there was a son on flight. He fought with his
insane father. He didn’t need boxing gloves. He said,
“I don’t need boxing gloves.”. The father couldn’t be
trusted by the son. The son couldn’t be trusted by the
son’s alter-ego. Nobody had any clue how it got to
this. They were living in a cave of darkness. Their
hearts were empty and joyless. The father’s
spirit had transcended the ordinary world and entered into
the netherworld. It was barren and cold. The robotic
body was left behind for the son to suffer….

Can you imagine a world without hope….I could then
perhaps settle down. Hope is a drug. I think I have
forgotten that too.

Why is it that I want to write and can’t, but I can think so
much. Maybe reason doesn’t sit well in one’s mind alone.
Makes me wonder if the thinker is insane. How
can one sip beer? I don’t understand that. If I want to
be reasonable I should write. My thoughts are too fast.
Remember the backside of Capitol Hill? Remember stuff.
I think I think better without the pressure of having to write.
So I lose the fluidity of ideas when I start to write.
Typing is also a learned skill. I can not type well and think too.
I guess one is getting used to it, but I can already feel my
thoughts slowing down. Shame is all this has no value.

Perhaps I can write about baseball. Perhaps I can write
about the goal. Today I got into a fight.
Tomorrow I will enter

It’s called consent – the next generation will likely too.
My example, is the lifeguard at the beach. They are
naturally a**holes. My guess the way it evolves like this:
A while back, they thought let’s provide a small service.
If you go out, get in trouble, we will come to save you!
But then they started to think, ‘well, we might jeopardize our
own lives in the act’. Thus they make laws and rules, that
are meant to protect me. I never asked for that. But they
insist. So now, you have to hear the a**holes telling you
where and when you can swim here and there.

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