April 7, 2020
billie's birthday..like it was just yesterday
ugh...u can't throw me away. my name was N.
it was light and memory and feeling.
feeling wrong fades, memory fades..
light does not fade in painting..
the light was fine. u lost.
"NO, THE LIGHT REVEALS FEELING"
"THUS THE FEELING PERSISTS"
hmm...writing is obnoxious...
this makes more sense later on...
of course later on is not really sense at all
that's more like mind sense?
the blog is at .../blog
March 28, 2020
March 23-24, 2020
a process painter i suppose.
stream of consciousness is fun
in the early morning.
amazing how "i" still function.
even though it hardly makes sense.
i can't explain that.
AGAIN, THIS WEBSITE IS NOT WORKING OUT.
EITHER CODE A NEW SITE, OR GIVE IT UP.
March 23, 2020
i'm giving up on this blog.
it's not worth the time, html, or else.
i suppose i can install wordpress and such.
how can old people be such effective weapons?
they can reak havoc so well. my luck i've never
seen anything like this on tv, or heard or nothing.
not in India or America or where else? pursue light,
and light alone.
March 20, 2020
"I must state clearly that my teaching is a method to experience
reality and not reality itself, just as a finger pointing at the
moon is not the moon itself. A thinking person makes use of the finger
to see the moon. A person who only looks at the finger and mistakes it
for the moon will never see the real moon."-Buddha
I experience reality too Buddha!
however, at the same time, that was then
and this is now
Reality, in the modern sense, is
nothing more than the way it looks.
March 13, 2020
I want to paint this.
March 12, 2020
I want to paint this.
March 8, 2020
the individual's needs are automatically filtered thru
the alien system of external signifiers (words).
And what does this mean? Lacan says:
demand constitutes the Other as already possessing the
'privilege' of satisfying needs, and that the child's needs
are altered by the requirement to pass desire thru
the defiles of the signifier;
For Lacan, our knowledge of our existence is
always mediated through the system of imaginary
psychic and social relations that structure
our sense of self in the first place.
March 6, 2020
It seemingly can be referred to from at least
2 planes of view.
I don't know this whole process is wack.
this is basically a blog
i dont have time to write that code...
i have no skills, inflammation galore
to be a painter, i need to also learn photography and
making a real website
and and...that's a good name for my band
"and and"...like "the the"...
ugh..i can't keep this website like this...
all this work for nothing...
life - that's what you call it - is a drag.
March 4, 2020
this changes my mind. I need to stop binge drinking
It's a nightmare! I am screwed forever...I can't see
myself and I feel like a blob.
This book was insightful. My self-diagnosis has shifted.
It hurts to makes sense in words (I'm still recovering
from my binge). He writes:
The psychological forces implicit in any group
process can easily defeat the laws of society, rules
of culture, or linguistic sense.
..the schizophrenic seeks a world to inhabit that
is not mediated by the mind but apprehended by the
senses and the realms of bodily being.
..the schizophrenic suffers core ontological anxieties,
...unsure of how to be receptive to the thingness
of the world, or to play with reality.
The shcizophrenic sense of intuition is rather
remarkable. Having reverted to sensorial proprioceptive
percetion, he is unknowingly making use of complex
unconscious perceptions. Consciousness is not an
intermediary here; indeed, the self becomes almost
completely devoid of cicuits of thought and instead
seems connected directly to the real, conveying its
essence to the other through various forms of
apparently mystically driven communication: humming,
curious sentence formations, and gestures.
March 2, 2020
This painting was done February 2020
There is a tear in the canvas
I think the overall project was ok
I am not an artist wannabe but a killer of bills!
time space earth water sky
such nice things winds wonderful
sleep this creature lost years
pollution garbage blue sky
March 1, 2020
This is Manet and me burning the evidence. A hit-and-run
ashamed we felt but knowing God wants us to be happy we move on...
attain liberation from the devil father
Can't believe you God...that's just like you! You felt
escaped and wasn't.