A Blog of Unrealized Realization(s)

Leave your worries and indulge in the hopelessness of my fantasy

June 1, 2020

I really can't paint in this town. It's not the right place with the wrong types and the wrong rules. RULES. But they are a group of...perhaps a paranoid mind, but maybe uncovering they all think alike, and what I am taking about? It's painful that's all.
May 26, 2020

How I learned nothing? The way I learned the major scale. How it was nothing.
May 6, 2020

Argh!!!!! Ahoy! WTF? Is this her? The moth. Can't explain nothing.
April 11, 2020

it's a bet, a gamble why i destroy too early? save lost time right, but learning still happens. well, maybe. if i don't care of the outcome... i just happen to have some standard - a moral judgement. there's no excuse like... you know the hard thing for me is laying out paint ...i dunno if i'm just cheap, or what is it, but a large painting requires a lot of paint put out, right?
April 7, 2020

billie's birthday..like it was just yesterday ugh...u can't throw me away. my name was N. it was light and memory and feeling. feeling wrong fades, memory fades.. light does not fade in painting.. the light was fine. u lost. "NO, THE LIGHT REVEALS FEELING" "THUS THE FEELING PERSISTS" hmm...u hmm...writing is obnoxious... this makes more sense later on... of course later on is not really sense at all that's more like mind sense? the blog is at .../blog
March 28, 2020

March 23-24, 2020

a process painter i suppose. stream of consciousness is fun in the early morning. amazing how "i" still function. even though it hardly makes sense. i can't explain that. AGAIN, THIS WEBSITE IS NOT WORKING OUT. EITHER CODE A NEW SITE, OR GIVE IT UP.
March 23, 2020

i'm giving up on this blog. it's not worth the time, html, or else. i suppose i can install wordpress and such. how can old people be such effective weapons? they can reak havoc so well. my luck i've never seen anything like this on tv, or heard or nothing. not in India or America or where else? pursue light, and light alone.
March 20, 2020

link "I must state clearly that my teaching is a method to experience reality and not reality itself, just as a finger pointing at the moon is not the moon itself. A thinking person makes use of the finger to see the moon. A person who only looks at the finger and mistakes it for the moon will never see the real moon."-Buddha
I experience reality too Buddha! however, at the same time, that was then and this is now Reality, in the modern sense, is nothing more than the way it looks.
March 13, 2020

I want to paint this.
March 12, 2020

I want to paint this.
March 8, 2020

the individual's needs are automatically filtered thru
the alien system of external signifiers (words).  

And what does this mean?  Lacan says:

demand constitutes the Other as already possessing the 
'privilege' of satisfying needs, and that the child's needs
are altered by the requirement to pass desire thru 
the defiles of the signifier; 

For Lacan, our knowledge of our existence is 
always mediated through the system of imaginary 
psychic and social relations that structure 
our sense of self in the first place.
March 6, 2020

... It seemingly can be referred to from at least 2 planes of view. I don't know this whole process is wack. this is basically a blog i dont have time to write that code... i have no skills, inflammation galore to be a painter, i need to also learn photography and making a real website and and...that's a good name for my band "and and"...like "the the"... ugh..i can't keep this website like this... all this work for nothing... life - that's what you call it - is a drag.
March 4, 2020

this changes my mind. I need to stop binge drinking It's a nightmare! I am screwed forever...I can't see myself and I feel like a blob. This book was insightful. My self-diagnosis has shifted. It hurts to makes sense in words (I'm still recovering from my binge). He writes: The psychological forces implicit in any group process can easily defeat the laws of society, rules of culture, or linguistic sense. ..the schizophrenic seeks a world to inhabit that is not mediated by the mind but apprehended by the senses and the realms of bodily being. ..the schizophrenic suffers core ontological anxieties, ...unsure of how to be receptive to the thingness of the world, or to play with reality. The shcizophrenic sense of intuition is rather remarkable. Having reverted to sensorial proprioceptive percetion, he is unknowingly making use of complex unconscious perceptions. Consciousness is not an intermediary here; indeed, the self becomes almost completely devoid of cicuits of thought and instead seems connected directly to the real, conveying its essence to the other through various forms of apparently mystically driven communication: humming, curious sentence formations, and gestures.
March 2, 2020

This painting was done February 2020 There is a tear in the canvas I think the overall project was ok I am not an artist wannabe but a killer of bills! time space earth water sky such nice things winds wonderful sleep this creature lost years pollution garbage blue sky run away
March 1, 2020

This is Manet and me burning the evidence. A hit-and-run ashamed we felt but knowing God wants us to be happy we move on... attain liberation from the devil father Can't believe you God...that's just like you! You felt escaped and wasn't.

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